Excerpts from the Introduction and Chapter One

It has been said that there are more requirements for getting a driver's license thanto get a marriage license. It is also pretty accurate to say that people generally get more instruction in preparing for their driver's license than they do for marriage. However, the damage that can be done by two people poorly prepared for marriage is far greater and has more far reaching consequences than driving a car poorly.This book is intended to help you form ideas and to make decisions for your future marriage. Rather than just letting marriage "happen" as many people do, the desire is to help you to make important decisions about your future marriage so that you will go into it informed and equipped to do it well.

You will discover that good marriages do not "just happen" nor are they "made magically in heaven." Good, healthy marriages are the result of insight, knowledge, commitment, and hard work. Whatever your marriage becomes in the long run will be either by design (hard decisions and commitments made beforehand and during marriage) or default (slipping and sliding into whatever happens).

You will discover that God is the creator of marriage and has given to us a manual to be followed--the Bible. In it are many principles for marriage and parenting. Those who learn these principles and live by them are blessed. Those who do not are not blessed. . . .

The first thing to be understood is that not all marriages are the same. Marriage is not a static category describing a legal relationship. Not everyone drives a car the same way and not every couple conducts their marriage the same way. A marriage is a living event that either builds or erodes. A marriage pattern will develop very quickly after your wedding day. The question is: Will it be determined by default (whatever happens, happens) or by design (choosing a specific plan)? . . .

In American culture there are at least eight marriage patterns that people employ. From the outside they all look the same, but inside they are radically different. These eight marriage patterns are found among Christians and non-Christians alike. Just because a couple possess a spiritual commitment does not automatically mean that their marriage has all of the necessary components to make it work well. Missionaries and pastors often have as unhealthy a marriage pattern as the worst pagan in organized crime.

Your mother and father's marriage has followed one of these eight patterns. What marriage pattern have your parents chosen? What marriage pattern has the person you desire to marry gown up in? More importantly, which pattern for marriage do you want to choose? Will it be determined by default or by design? . . . .

Only one of the eight marriage patterns is healthy. Only one allows a married couple to live out their marriage in a way described in the Bible. Only one frees up both marriage partners to enjoy their marriage to the hilt and receive God's rich blessing. Of the eight marriage patterns most commonly found in American culture, only one functions in a way that allows the presence of Christ to fill and to expand the relationship. Of the eight, which would you think to be the healthy marriage pattern? . . . . .

Marriage is like a room with two doors leading into it. In one door comes the new husband with a suitcase in each hand. In the other door comes the new wife with a suitcase in each hand. In the suitcases are not clothes, shoes, tennis rackets, silverware, books, or computers. In those suitcases are ideas, values, perceptions, goals, attitudes, practices and habits learned from the each of their families. How will these two newlyweds live together? That's the big question! Will it be by default or by design? To not decide is to decide.

The better course of action is to learn the key elements of the one, healthy marriage pattern, to discuss them together, to pray about them, to discuss them with parents and godly counselors, to write them down, and to adopt them as goals for your marriage. To agree on what your marriage is to be and what you are to do inside that marriage is an essential step in building your marriage before it starts.

The big ideas of this chapter:
1. All marriages follow a specific pattern.
2. Eight general marriage patterns exist in American culture.
3. Only one of the patterns is healthy.
4. Christian marriages fall into the same general patterns as do non-Christian marriages.
5. Your marriage will adopt a pattern, either by default or by design.